start over...

blog fail!
okie...
so i definitely didn't do such a good job about keeping this thing updated.
not gonna lie: it's so much easier to "micro-blog" on twitter...
so forgive me for my laziness.

the good news is that recently watching my good old friend, bridget jones,
gave me some motivation to blog and keep blogging...


currently, life is pretty good.
i have no doubt in my mind that taking a semester off was the right thing to do.
i also believe now more than ever that where i was, wasn't where i belonged...
i was dying. being there was slowly killing me, and i was dying.
but not anymore.
make no mistake, my life isn't perfect. it never has been and it never will be.
i don't ever expect it to be...
but i love it.
i'm happy.
so, no regrets.

forgive me for my negligence

three months of "silence"...

ironically enough during the same three months i should have been clearing my head by emptying it all out on here...

who does that?!?!

oh wait, i do...

too late to back track [or rather i don't want to]
though i will start actually using this thing again...
at least i plan to.
we'll see how that goes...

think happy thoughts?

i have never been good at talking about the worried thoughts floating around in my head.
partly because i don't really like to...
it makes me feel vulnerable.
it makes me feel weak.
it makes me feel like a baby.
i don't like feeling that way.


and also, partly, because i've never really been very good at it.
even on the rare occasion that i actually attempt to explain everything i'm thinking,
that's all it usually amounts to:
an attempt.
not that it would really matter.
i'm too stubborn [perhaps for my own good] to take advantage of any ready help anyway.

so i usually just keep my thoughts to myself.
though ready and willing to contribute to a conversation and provide my opinion,
just as ready and willing to keep my mouth shut about anything really troubling me,
and to let the thoughts race through my mind until the wee hours of the night.

i'm more than happy to help anyone else with their troubles.
more than happy to ease another's pain.
it's not so much that i'm a selfless person.
i don't consider myself so.
it just happens to be a good thing, listening to someone who needs to be heard.
but the real reason is much more selfish.
to me, it's more that focusing on someone else's worries is a welcome distraction from my own.
normally, that's just fine with me...

except sometimes, life throws too much at me all at once.
sometimes, i really wish i could vent, and get it all out.
sometimes, i wish i could take all the thoughts in my mind,
and lay them all out for someone to see.
sometimes, i wish i wasn't so stubborn.
because it's times like that, like now, when it gets to the point where my mind feels like a prison i can't escape.

three years ago today...

today i was completely out of it.
sure, i've been in quite a funk lately...
but there was something about today that i couldn't quite put my finger on.

then, about ten minutes ago,
my mom reminded me that today is my grandma's death anniversary.
i didn't even realize the date today...

i can't believe it's already been three years...


RIP Nana ♥
thinking of you.
miss you.
love you.

Easter Vigil

earlier tonight, i went to Easter Vigil Mass with my family.
i'm not sure what it was...
maybe it was the way all the candles lit up the church,
or the way the Elect seemed so happy to be getting baptized or confirmed,
or maybe it was just the true presence of God...
but i just felt at peace.
for once i felt completely at peace.


if only that feeling lingered longer than the time it took to get to the car in the parking lot after mass...

spring can really hang you up the most...

the story of my life as sung by ella fitzgerald...
[i friggin' love jazz!]




Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most

Once I was a sentimental thing,
Threw my heart away each Spring;
Now a Spring romance hasn't got a chance
Promised my first dance to Winter;
All I've got to show`s a splinter for my little fling!

Spring this year has got me feeling like a horse that never left the post;
I lie in my room staring up at the ceiling,
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most!

Morning's kiss wakes tres and flowers,
And to them I'd like to drink a toast;
I walk in the park just to kill lonely hours,
Spring Can really Hang You Up The Most.

All afternoon those birds twitter twit,
I know the tune, "This is love, this is it!"
Heard it before and I know the score,
And I've decided that Spring is a bore!

Love seemed sure around the New Year,
Now it's April, love is just a ghost;
Spring arrived on time, only what became of you, dear?
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most!
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most!

Spring is here, there's no mistaking
Robins building nests from coast to coast;
My heart tries to sing so they won't hear it breaking,
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most!

College boys are writing sonnets,
In the "Tender passion" they're engrossed;
But I'm on the shelf with last years Easter bonnets,
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most!

Love came my way, I hope it would last;
We had our day, now that's all in the past!
Spring came along a season of song,
Full of sweet promise but something went wrong!

Doctors once prescribed a tonic,
"Sulphur and moloasses" was the dose;
Didn't help a bit, my condition must be chronic,
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most!

All alone, the party's over,
Old man Winter was a gracious host;
But when you keep praying for snow to hide the clover
Spring Can Really Hang You Up The Most!

r.e.s.p.e.c.t

"It's better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone."
- Marilyn Monroe

i wish some girls had more respect for themselves. no guy is worth it if he doesn't respect you enough to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. no matter how much you love someone, or how much you think and hope they can change, ultimately, if they are unwilling, there is nothing you can do. so grow up a little bit, and learn to let go. stand up for yourself. learn to love yourself better, because if you can't do that, how can you expect someone else to? have more self respect and walk away knowing that someone else will treat you better.

some people...

just don't get it.




i'm over it.

single life!

even on Singles Awareness Day Valentine's Day,
i'm currently thoroughly enjoying being single.

loving family, fabulous friends, and plenty to look forward to...

life is good.

yay me!

:]

nostalgia

sometimes, nostalgia gets the best of me...

it's always such a bitter-sweet feeling.

looking back at the journey my life has been so far...
all the people that have woven in and out of the path i've been walking...
all the experiences that have brought me to where i am now...

i really miss some people right now.
:(

i also really miss my innocence.
and by that, i mean that i wish i wasn't as cynical as i feel sometimes...

i remember always being in such a hurry to grow up...
now i'm so sad because it feels like it's all happening too fast, and i can't slow it down.

oh, life...

hello self, i've missed you dearly.

i'm not exactly sure how or why...

i don't know what stars aligned,
what curse was lifted,
or why God answered my prayers...

but lately, i've finally been starting to feel like myself again.
i can finally truthfully answer the question "how are you?"
with a smile on my face and twinkle in my eye
and say "i'm doing well, how are you?"
i no longer feel the heaviness that's been weighing me down for the past year or so...
it's as if i just woke up one day, and snapped out of the horrible horrible funk i'd been in.
i no longer go to sleep at night feeling as if there was a huge gaping hole in the middle of my heart.

i wish i could bottle up how free i feel,
and share it with everyone i know.
it just feels that good.

farewell dark cloud.
you'd hovered over me for too long.
i won't miss you a bit!


[cheesy?
yes...
but do i care?
no. i don't give a fuhhh!
i'm just extremly thankful.
so get over the cheesy-ness and celebrate and be happy with me! hehe...]

i'm getting my life back on track

2008 was officially the worst year of my life up-to-date.
it was the year i sucked at life...hardcore.

but no more.
slowly, but surely, i will stop sucking at life,
and will finally feel like myself again.

baby steps...

i'm determined, damnit!

question

why the eff are boys so stupid?!?!

le sigh.

anyone that answers this question with an intelligent answer gets a cookie.

the difference between boys and girls

"don't hate the player, hate the game."
i'll be honest, sometimes, i kinda hate "the game."
sure "the chase" can be fun.
it's the part when everything is new, and exciting.
it's when you barely start scratching the surface of someone's personality.
flirting is on full blast like the air conditioning on a hot summer day in good ol' sunny southern california.
every encounter is an opportunity to impress.
every smile gives you butterflies.
every touch is electric.
and then there are the downsides...
to be honest, as exciting as something new is, it can also be confusing and frustrating.
and not to mention, sometimes completely nerve-racking, especially when trying to figure out if the feeling is mutual.

as a girl, i almost can't help but to read into everything.
everything means something... for the most part.
what was said, how it was said, and when it was said are all dissected and analyzed in a feeble attempt at figuring out whether any interest is being reciprocated.
and that, my friends, is the difference between boys and girls.
i hate to say it, ladies, but we're pretty complicated.
we over-analyze just about everything.
we think too much about every situation.
we can't just accept things at face value.
for the male gender, however, things really are quite simple.
no hidden meanings.
what you see is what you get.
at least that's what i've learned from my closest guy friends.
the result is a complicated mind set trying to figure out a simple one,
and vice versa.
no wonder boys and girls can never figure each other out.
as girls, we turn to our girl friends for advice.
naturally, that makes sense.
most girls are closest with their girl friends.
the problem with that is that our closest girl friends are not boys,
so how could they possibly even relate to what a guy is thinking, much less know and understand it?
and the same goes for you boys...
asking your guy friends for help figuring out a girl is just as productive [or counterproductive, however you choose to see it].

hence, the beauty in platonic relationships with the opposite gender.
don't get me wrong, i love my girl friends.
they're amazing, and are my lifesavers.
however, i absolutely love having guy friends.
my guy friends provide insight that my girl friends can't.
they give me simpler perspectives that for some reason or another,
i tend to overlook.
whoever said that it was impossible to be just friends with the opposite gender was completely wrong.
it very possible, and is in fact, a wonderful thing.
:]

i feel shorter...

"you know i used to walk tall around here?
i used to walk tall...and then, came george.
he took off at least an inch.
then erica went and left me. that shaved off a few more.
i got shorter. all that humilation, it makes you shorter,
so yeah, i am scared of getting hurt,
because one more personal disaster right now would cut me off at the knees."

- sara ramirez as dr. callie torres on "Grey's Anatomy"

i know the feeling...

untitled

an old feeble attempt at songwriting...
i think i wrote this about four or five years ago?
i can't even remember.
still needs a title...
and a melody.


I’ll do what it takes
Keep myself from falling
I’ve made my mistakes
Paid more than my dues

So why am I here?
I’m back where I started
My fears settle in
As I’m reaching for you

Chorus 1:
Build me up, knock me down
It’s what you do best
Take my heart, shatter it
Then leave me a mess
This trap that you’ve set
Is so brilliantly planned
I’m running and running
But I can’t escape. . . you

You said that you meant it
I foolishly believed you
I should’ve known better
But you make me so weak

Now I’m tossing and turning
Thoughts keep me from sleeping
So I stare at the ceiling
Stay up waiting for you

Bridge:
You don’t
know what you do to me
Take a
closer look, notice me

Slow down
Realize what you’ve done
Please don’t
Wait ‘til I’m gone


I’m saying goodbye
‘Cuz it’s now or never
I did more than try
I gave it my all
Head out the door
Slowly I leave you
You know that I care,
But I can’t take anymore

Chorus 2:
Lift me up, tear me down
It’s what you do best
You took my heart, ripped it up
Worse than the rest
The trap you had set
Was so brilliantly planned
But you bruised me, you broke me
So now, I’m leaving you.

nice guys always finish last

everyone always says that...
but is it really true?
and what about nice girls?
what happens to them?

in the past, i've always joked that maybe i'm too nice.
whenever i got the shit end of the stick in a situation,
the thought that maybe if i were a bitch i never would've been in that situation to begin with, almost always crosses my mind.
sometimes i think to myself, "maybe life would be just a little bit easier if i were a lot bitchier."
and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the quandary.
as a child, my parents taught me right from wrong.
i grew up learning how to distinguish between the two.
i was raised to be a nice person.
i was raised to be polite and have manners.
i was raised to be considerate of my fellow human beings,
and to be respectful of others.
now, i know i'm not the only person on this earth that was raised with similar, if not the same, morals.
"love thy neighbor as thyself."
it's one of the ten commandments!
God just wants us all to love each other, right?
well apparently, some people missed the memo...

i'm actually kind of sick of being nice.
isn't that sad?
so of all the things i am guilty of, being too nice is one of them...
but where is the fine line between being just nice and being too nice?
at what point does someone's niceness turn into a huge billboard floating over their head with big shiny lights that reads "screw me over! it's easy to take advantage of me!"
you'd think by now, after everything i've been through up until this point in my life, i would've learned not to trust people so much.
you'd think i would've realized that maybe i shouldn't believe in the goodness of people as much as i do.
and yet, i still find myself in situations that leave me secretly promising myself that i'll be more careful about who i choose to trust.
maybe if i keep telling myself that, it just might stick...

as much as i promise myself i'll learn to be more of a bitch, it's all in vain.
who am i kidding?
i'm a nice girl.
i'm that girl that people describe as nice.
people laugh at the very thought of me being a bitch.
i've actually been told that it's hard to even imagine me doing anything slightly mean.
it's possible...but not likely.
so i'll continue being the nice girl and observe the bitches from afar...
wondering how different my life would be if my conscience didn't stop me from being one of them.

so they say nice guys finish last.
they were so wrong...
nice girls finish last...
dead last.
after the nice guys.

i totally have a girl crush...

on zooey deschanel.
and i have no shame in admitting that!

she's so pretty!
and her voice is amazing.
just thought i would share that...
:]

make new friends, but keep the old

my friends know how much i love them.
[at least they should!]

"i dunno what i would do without you guys..."
i've said it so many times that i wouldn't even bother counting.

i like to think that my friends are a second family.
the family that i get to choose.
the family that i'm not just thrown into by God's will.

God knows i kind of have trust issues.
[who doesn't, right?]
the older i get, the harder it is for me to truly let someone in.
however, once i trust you, i'll also love you forever.
[or at least until you break that trust...]

i like my new friends for many different reasons,
but i think the biggest reason is that they're taking the time to get to know me better.
for whatever reason, nothing they've learned about me so far has scared them away.
they're letting me let them in, by letting me in.
[got that? hehe...]
however, i'm excited for the time when my current new friends become part of my old friends.

i truly love my friends,
but my old friends will always have a special place in my heart.
they are the people that have seen me change and grow, because i've changed and grown with them.
they are the people that knew me back when four square was my favorite game.
they are the peope that sang and danced along to the spice girls with me.
they are the people that went through puberty with me.
they are the people that have somehow managed to get me to show the real me,
and still loved me anyway.
they are the people that help remind me of who i am, when i feel like i've lost myself.
they help me remember that no matter how much my style changes, what color my hair is, or where i am in life, the foundation of who i am will always stay the same.
to them, i will always be the katrina they've known and loved for years.

in the past year, there have been times when i've felt completely lost.
there were times when i would take a step back, and not recognize myself at all.
it was then that i turned to my oldest friends.
without fail or falter, they were there...
and they helped me remember myself.
they helped me start loving myself again.

and for that, i can never find the words to truly say how thankful i am for them.
you know who you are.
i love you.

laughing is my favorite! :]

"if you can make a girl laugh - you can make her do anything." - marilyn monroe


things that make me laugh [in no particular order]:


1. random statements/questions/exclamations
ex.
loren: the holy roman tabernacle earth choir
and...
jeff: "katrina, will you buy me this porcelain kitty?"











2. being tickled


3. tv shows like these:






















4. comedians like these:




























5. ricardo v. mckillips, jr.















6. movies like these:




7. anne williams




8. inside jokes
ex.
"it's my favorite!"
and...
"i didn't even have my seatbelt on..."


9. fail blog and lolcats




10. other people's laughs!


okie, so to be honest it doesn't really take all that much to make me laugh...

but hey, life's better that way.
:]

one day i'll fly away...

leave all this to yesterday...

and i'll runaway to paris!
and be a jazz singer, singing in parisian jazz clubs.

or not...

but i can always dream...
le sigh.

p.s.
i love the movie "moulin rouge."
:]

the happiest place on earth

many people hate going to disneyland.

they hate the lines.
they hate the over-priced EVERYTHING.
they hate the excessive happiness.
they hate the fairy tales and the make believe.

i am NOT one of those people.

regardless of what anyone says,
Disneyland will always be a place where my inner child can take complete control.
i love the fairy tales and the make believe.
i love feeling like i've stepped into a whole new world [no pun intended],
and have left a jaded, much more undesirable world behind...
at least for a day.
it is my "happily for the moment,"
temporarily giving me a taste for what "happily ever after" just might feel like.

i regularly purchase tinkberbell merchandise.
i have useless Disney trivia stored away in my brain.
i know where hidden Mickeys are, and take delight in sharing them.
i still get excited when i see a character walking around.
i have no problem spending $3 for a churro.
and yes, i'm an annual passport holder, and damn proud of it!

i just think that sometimes, we get so caught up with our "grown up" lives:
running errands, 9 to 5 jobs, bills to pay...
we neglect that tiny little voice that likes to remind us that cartoons are fun,
ice cream is a delicious, special treat, and stuffed animals can provide comfort and fun.
so sue me for having found a place that lets me get in touch with a much more innocent, playful, hopeful, and happy part of myself that i wish was a bigger percentage of what makes me, me.

i think the world would be a much better place if we could all find the time to keep in touch with our "mini-selves."

brand new

brand new year.
brand new blog.

same old insomnia.
::sigh::

perhaps one day i shall learn how to quiet my mind long enough to drift away to sleep at a reasonable hour...
'til then i hope temporarily letting my thoughts escape my mind and find their way onto this blog will help to make sense of them all.

hey, it doesn't hurt to try, right?

besides, my thoughts are just as good as anyone else's...