think happy thoughts?

i have never been good at talking about the worried thoughts floating around in my head.
partly because i don't really like to...
it makes me feel vulnerable.
it makes me feel weak.
it makes me feel like a baby.
i don't like feeling that way.


and also, partly, because i've never really been very good at it.
even on the rare occasion that i actually attempt to explain everything i'm thinking,
that's all it usually amounts to:
an attempt.
not that it would really matter.
i'm too stubborn [perhaps for my own good] to take advantage of any ready help anyway.

so i usually just keep my thoughts to myself.
though ready and willing to contribute to a conversation and provide my opinion,
just as ready and willing to keep my mouth shut about anything really troubling me,
and to let the thoughts race through my mind until the wee hours of the night.

i'm more than happy to help anyone else with their troubles.
more than happy to ease another's pain.
it's not so much that i'm a selfless person.
i don't consider myself so.
it just happens to be a good thing, listening to someone who needs to be heard.
but the real reason is much more selfish.
to me, it's more that focusing on someone else's worries is a welcome distraction from my own.
normally, that's just fine with me...

except sometimes, life throws too much at me all at once.
sometimes, i really wish i could vent, and get it all out.
sometimes, i wish i could take all the thoughts in my mind,
and lay them all out for someone to see.
sometimes, i wish i wasn't so stubborn.
because it's times like that, like now, when it gets to the point where my mind feels like a prison i can't escape.