i just want to sing.

lately, i've had this ache.
it just sits in the pit of my stomach.
sometimes, it's hardly noticeable, and other times, it's almost unbearable.
it took me a little while to figure out the source of this ache.
i'm a little surprised i didn't figure it out sooner.

i miss performing.

i miss it so much, i ache.
i may not know everything that God has in store for me in this short, crazy life i'm living,
but i DO know that God gave me a gift.
He blessed me with the ability to communicate through music.
the lack of opportunity for me to do so is starting to take it's toll.
i need to figure out a way to fix this.
soon.

jaded

life has left me bitter and cynical.
i feel like it gets worse everyday.

i don't want to feel this way anymore...

my, my how much change time brings...

dear time,

you are very sneaky.
you always go by way too fast when i need you to slow down.
you also move at a snail's pace when i need to you pick things up a bit.
i almost swear you do it on purpose.

you also seem to be working together with change.
i refuse to believe that it is a coincidence when you and change both sneak up on me.
i have no doubt that change follows you wherever you go.

i'm just saying...

love,

me

FAIL!

okie, so i told myself i would do a better job at actually using this thing...

and then four months of nothing.

fail.

okie, but for real...
this time, i really will start using this more.
i need to start releasing my thoughts onto here more regularly.
i think my sanity will soon depend on it.
at this point, getting any sleep certainly does.

start over...

blog fail!
okie...
so i definitely didn't do such a good job about keeping this thing updated.
not gonna lie: it's so much easier to "micro-blog" on twitter...
so forgive me for my laziness.

the good news is that recently watching my good old friend, bridget jones,
gave me some motivation to blog and keep blogging...


currently, life is pretty good.
i have no doubt in my mind that taking a semester off was the right thing to do.
i also believe now more than ever that where i was, wasn't where i belonged...
i was dying. being there was slowly killing me, and i was dying.
but not anymore.
make no mistake, my life isn't perfect. it never has been and it never will be.
i don't ever expect it to be...
but i love it.
i'm happy.
so, no regrets.

forgive me for my negligence

three months of "silence"...

ironically enough during the same three months i should have been clearing my head by emptying it all out on here...

who does that?!?!

oh wait, i do...

too late to back track [or rather i don't want to]
though i will start actually using this thing again...
at least i plan to.
we'll see how that goes...

think happy thoughts?

i have never been good at talking about the worried thoughts floating around in my head.
partly because i don't really like to...
it makes me feel vulnerable.
it makes me feel weak.
it makes me feel like a baby.
i don't like feeling that way.


and also, partly, because i've never really been very good at it.
even on the rare occasion that i actually attempt to explain everything i'm thinking,
that's all it usually amounts to:
an attempt.
not that it would really matter.
i'm too stubborn [perhaps for my own good] to take advantage of any ready help anyway.

so i usually just keep my thoughts to myself.
though ready and willing to contribute to a conversation and provide my opinion,
just as ready and willing to keep my mouth shut about anything really troubling me,
and to let the thoughts race through my mind until the wee hours of the night.

i'm more than happy to help anyone else with their troubles.
more than happy to ease another's pain.
it's not so much that i'm a selfless person.
i don't consider myself so.
it just happens to be a good thing, listening to someone who needs to be heard.
but the real reason is much more selfish.
to me, it's more that focusing on someone else's worries is a welcome distraction from my own.
normally, that's just fine with me...

except sometimes, life throws too much at me all at once.
sometimes, i really wish i could vent, and get it all out.
sometimes, i wish i could take all the thoughts in my mind,
and lay them all out for someone to see.
sometimes, i wish i wasn't so stubborn.
because it's times like that, like now, when it gets to the point where my mind feels like a prison i can't escape.

three years ago today...

today i was completely out of it.
sure, i've been in quite a funk lately...
but there was something about today that i couldn't quite put my finger on.

then, about ten minutes ago,
my mom reminded me that today is my grandma's death anniversary.
i didn't even realize the date today...

i can't believe it's already been three years...


RIP Nana ♥
thinking of you.
miss you.
love you.